Hannah prayed and said, "My heart exults in the Lord"

To counter complaints about how boring and really 'unsharing' and vague and confusing and random my blog is: amidst my mid-term studying, procrastination, and endless threads of thoughts playing ever so consistently through my brain, I am attempting to make my blog a bit more enjoyable and understandable.

So "how am I doing"...? that's the question I've been trying to avoid this entire week. Everyone I ran into has asked me that this particular week, God loves me. To tell you the truth just up until this afternoon I really did not know how I was doing, except that it wasn't okay. I honestly thought I was bi-polar or depressed and it was starting to scare me. For some reason, telling my close friends and family that "i might be depressed" couldn't come off my lips. I think I was ashamed to even share that about myself. Talk about pride.

I think everything started after finding out about Rénee's death on Monday. My first reaction was shock, which quickly changed to grief, which shamefully deformed into guilt and shame and anger and everything negative you could think of, to the point where I was capable of chatter with you about the weather, or something funny I saw today on bruinwalk and then -turn around, go to my room and start weeping. It was like I had a doube-life out of some horror/action movie.

In my time with the Lord, I would begin to weep too. I was so frustrated and uneasy because I didn't know WHY. At first I thought my emotional roller coaster waterfalls were just from attacks of the enemy- 'Cause forsure he was attacking with many many lies. Jesus had to do some real delivering.- But, even in the presence of the Lord I would weep. I was so tired of crying! To put into writing EVERY thought that ran through my brain as to WHY, would be endless. But among those thoughts, one was that I had thought I failed in my role in the church. Last summer, God really put on my heart, intercession. My first quarter this year, I felt that I took up that role and familiarized myself in the secret place in the place of intercession. Second quarter, organic church, discipling, Wendy, Sabrina, bible studies, mission-minded, etc.. came and I began to lose that precious secert time. At the moment this thought began traveling across my mind my fasting, my nazarite vow, my LIFE PURPOSE seemed to be threatened...Good ole' Centripedal, Centrifugal Mario once again. I still don't know the conclusion about that train of thought, but it's something I'm definitely chewing on at the moment. Lemme know what popped into your mind as you read this. Or maybe some divine revelation would be nice too.

Well, in conclusion, today He spoke to me through a dear friend that the Lord wants to grieve with me and show me how he feels for Rénee. I feel affirmed. So, after coming back to my room I told God "I am ready for you to grieve with me now." ---I was so emotionally all ready with tissue and everything, and expected Niagara Falls but all I felt was peace... ??! wth right? Haha freakin', after He lets me know that He just wants me to see how He greives for Rénee and How much He loves her, He doesn't show me. So I sat there for a good half an hour. And I realized that this entire week, He HAS been showing me. But only in small episodes, because I probably couldn't handle the fullness of his grief, anger, and love.

God is good. and weird. and amazing. and so mysterious. I love it. Even though I get so confused sometimes.

"My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me continually,
'Where is your God?'
These thngs I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the
house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil
within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise
him
my salvation and my God..."
~Psalm 42: 3-5

(Special thanks to Janice, Nina, wtf, 'fambam', and Rendezvous for a fortune cookie that God is using to speak to me right now LOL!)