i am.
overwhelmed.

Rêveur le printemps

Je voudrais aller de monde rêve. Je ne sais pas pourquoi. Parce que il est le printemps? Il fait beau? j'ai vingt ans? je n'ai pas un petit ami?... ils sont trés bons raisons. Je souvent pense est-ce qui mon petit ami... Il est un peu embarras, mais je voudrais honnête. Je pense il veux est un beau homme comique et grand et intélligent et trés sympa. Je suis trés comique n'est pas? Je suis une rêveur... mon imagination et trés grand et créative.

就是说，最近我会很容易想 ‘有男朋友的话 会这么样’ ？ 我相信 世上有个男人对我最适合。 我可能已经碰到他，或着很快就会认识他。 不过， 我相信上帝现在准备他。 我也一样现在在准备我自己。 要是我跟他结婚以后，我很想带他去一个咪咪的地方。 我高中三年纪的时候法线的地方。这是我给他的一种礼物。 我想我自己很好笑！ 我还没有见到我的男朋友， 可是我已经想到结婚以后要做什么。 一定是春天的愿意我就想到这样。要是我跟谁恋爱， 我们做什么事会很好玩儿。 那是没问题。 找人就是世上最重要的一种问题是吧？

it probably won't make sense

What does it mean when I want to say everything, and nothing at all? Is this weakness when I want to let go of everything I know and in bare nudity run and embrace the standard of the status quo? Is the extraordinary too much to seek? The ideal reality is the best reality. If so, Reality is based on what I choose, and I choose the ideal reality for my reality, is that so unattainable? Am I just running headlong into a brick wall of reality? And not just one wall, wall after wall after wall.

Yes, this is the N in me painting big pictures and robbing you of full satisfaction by speaking in broad general terms. The only thing I can conclude is how I feel. And I feel like everytime I'm mustering all my energy, all my passion, all my strength to run headlong into that brick wall my energy is sucked dry and in mid-air of my passionate momentum my courage falters and I proceed to run instead to embrace that brick wall...and say to myself, "ok, ok, next time, next time" Everytime I fail to break through, the easier and easier it gets to just embrace it, "in love". But if it needs to be broken, how can it be in love? I will be imposing an act of NOT LOVE by continuing just to embrace it. But others will ask, DOES IT REALLY NEED TO BE BROKEN? And that is the question of my life. Does it? or do I just need to move on to a different route and leave it be? Everything in me has said before that it does, but now I'm not so sure.

In the meantime, the seeds are growing, and it's coming close to the end of winter. Hopeful spring is flirtatiously painting hopeful dreams for the thousand fold that is about to come.