Loved Much

At an early age, I was forced to learn how not to be attached to many things. Moving around so much as a child I was used to letting go of the familiar, and embracing the new, often forgetting the past because it hurt less to just forget. Clothes, toys, schools, teachers, friends, pets, I have let go, but one thing I couldn't let go of were letters.

In my room there is only a sofa-bed and a book shelf. The shelf is full of my favorite past time novels as a child. The double-doored closet is half-filled with clothes I only wear when I come home, and stacked in a neat corner are 3 boxes. One box is filled with photos, another is filled with more books; yearbooks, my old academic awards/papers/poems/journals, and the last one is a Christmas Cookie Tin box where I keep only the most important things to me... letters from people I love, or loved at one time and perhaps have forgotten.

As early as the 3rd grade, I have letters that my friends and family have written to me. They're in either the "Christmas", "Birthday", "Boy/girl drama", or "just cuz" categories. This morning, as I sat in my bedroom in Seattle with the sacred sun shining its unexpected ray across my face, looking through the letters of my life, I have realized once again, how much I am, and have been loved. Names, faces, moments, drifted gently through my mind as I relived the memories that were tender, sweet, painful, and wonderful.

Holding on to these letters -although stashed away in a closet, only to be taken out once or twice a year- makes me feel loved, important, treasured, so blessed, and guilty at the same time. I carry a huge burden of love, that I have no confidence to return in my own power. I have proof of this, in the many letters I had so carefully written and failed to ever send to the recipient for whatever reasons.

Once again, my limitation as a human being, incapable of perfect Love has reared it's unmistakable head into my realizations. It shed light into the fact that my need for Perfect Love is too great.

Fortunately,
Jesus Christ has filled my immeasurable need for Perfect Love.