What does it mean when I want to say everything, and nothing at all? Is this weakness when I want to let go of everything I know and in bare nudity run and embrace the standard of the status quo? Is the extraordinary too much to seek? The ideal reality is the best reality. If so, Reality is based on what I choose, and I choose the ideal reality for my reality, is that so unattainable? Am I just running headlong into a brick wall of reality? And not just one wall, wall after wall after wall.
Yes, this is the N in me painting big pictures and robbing you of full satisfaction by speaking in broad general terms. The only thing I can conclude is how I feel. And I feel like everytime I'm mustering all my energy, all my passion, all my strength to run headlong into that brick wall my energy is sucked dry and in mid-air of my passionate momentum my courage falters and I proceed to run instead to embrace that brick wall...and say to myself, "ok, ok, next time, next time" Everytime I fail to break through, the easier and easier it gets to just embrace it, "in love". But if it needs to be broken, how can it be in love? I will be imposing an act of NOT LOVE by continuing just to embrace it. But others will ask, DOES IT REALLY NEED TO BE BROKEN? And that is the question of my life. Does it? or do I just need to move on to a different route and leave it be? Everything in me has said before that it does, but now I'm not so sure.
In the meantime, the seeds are growing, and it's coming close to the end of winter. Hopeful spring is flirtatiously painting hopeful dreams for the thousand fold that is about to come.
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