...and action

Acting like an adult is very different from being one. Acting is a paradox in itself; to live in another shell, free of oneself yet, simultaneously, to be hidden and silenced, tucked away like an insecurity. Like a bit of yeast, the suffocation works through it all and I'm left with an undesirable silence. Just silence. The baby yearns to be seen and touched, but you can't even hear it.

Perhaps this freedom should receive a nominee. An inception in waking hours, maliciously wrapping its webs tighter and tighter 'round, while the poison gives a sense of a cold relief when it's really, killing so softly.


When the baby fidgets or dares to make a peep, the venom doubles and there's really no choice but to play dead or revert back to the obedient fetus, voiceless but breathing. Eating, drinking, listening, soaking up everything with no filter. 


I am my own darkness. The malefactor of my own demise and suffocation. 


*


Or, perhaps every human being is constantly on set for his or her role as an adult. The possibility itself is comforting or easier to cope with at the least.       

19 More

It's always at the point of renewal and reminders of who I really am, that I remember my desire, my love of writing.  Shelved behind the other more "important" things to check-off in my day to day, I'm always a bit embarrassed to be coming back here. Still, words and the expression of words from heart to brain to paper has never ceased to mercifully allow me freedom, peace, and joy.

I've found some alone time, for the first time it seems, since my marriage. A weekend to myself. T'was a weekend of empathy for Doctor Watson as he cried over Sherlock, a marveling and despising of Moffat & Gatiss for the cliff-hanging end, while I munched on spinach leaves, my favorite, feeling great, and danced to Ricky Martin and Cierra or browsed through Saturday morning cartoons, when I needed a break from planning lessons and wrapping up the rest of this long, arduous semester.

*

One of my best friends is happily married today. I scavenged through every fb photo for more of the wedding and each photo brought me back to my own wedding. The day that the rest of my life began. It really was a beautiful day. But, as I have had trouble recalling in the past months, there will be another wedding, very soon.

19 more days, and I will be back to the place where all of it really started. The place of my first love. The place where He called me out of the tangles of religion and self-righteous pedestals and submerged me into the depths of his calm, ferocious love. A place I could breathe. Deeply breathe.

One of those days

It was one of those days.

My frustrations with myself and with the world always seem to explode in tumultuous tears and sobs forcibly held back. And then after all that pent up energy is painfully let out like the air screaming through the tiny sliver of balloon, I stumble my way into my secret place, the corner with the dim lights and the silent keys. Here, at last, I am free.

I struggle to find the root of my problems. I seek the truth I say, but maybe I only seek comfort. I seek justice and the Kingdom of God, but maybe I only seek self-pleasure and the kingdom of Hannah-is awesome-and-amazing.

I want.
What do I truly want out of this life?

Though many morning and nights I've wanted else, Jesus today, at this moment, I want You. Again. and Again. and Again. and Again.

A quarter into 2012

Is it really already the middle of March? Sometimes, I just stop my brain and close my eyes because the world is spinning too fast. 2012 was destined to be a big year, but never did I anticipate it to be such a sprinter. Life after college just whizzes by, they say. I'm kind of afraid now, that they were not exaggerating.

In the exciting months to come for the rest of 2012, I can't help but feel a bit nostalgic for the 2.5 months that have already passed without much recognition.

January was a month of great rest and struggle to find myself as a teacher, a wife, and a good friend. Life was demanding, you could say, but also so generous in the time and space I was able to have to reflect and to rest. I also discovered a new way to stand the freezing cold; snowboarding! The adrenaline rush makes the pain of freezing and falling, all the worth while! By the second day, I successfully carved down the bunny slope and by the second visit to the resorts, I made it down the "intermediate", looking cooler than I'd ever felt in a long time.

February was a month of many surprises. Firstly, we were unsure whether I was pregnant for about 2 weeks. It wasn't until my birthday that my body announced our near future to be baby-free. It was quite an unforgettable dinner though, I must say. We went to our favorite chicken restaurant called GilSungYi in our little town and sat solemnly, holding hands, drinking in our fears and excitement of what a child could mean, and encouraging one another with comforting words. "Honey, it wasn't in our plans, but God will take care of us", "even though I'm really scared, we can still choose Joy", "yeah.... praise God, what an exciting new chapter!".....And as our favorite delicacy was served, we proceeded to eat in relative silence, respecting the solemnity of the news and each falling into our own dreams and expectations for such a different future. THEN, after the meal is over, I visit the little girls' room and find the birthday present from my body. Surprise! You're not pregnant! Yes, we laughed about it with mixed emotions. But, boy it sure was a surprise.

March is halfway through, but we've both been suffering from sickness. Jeremiah's still under the weather, and it's quite difficult to be so helpless. All I can really do is cook and clean, hold his hand and pray.

On a lighter note, Spring is just around the corner and I'm pretty excited and dreading, all at the same time, my juice-fast. I am determined to do a 2 week juice fast in April welcoming the warmer weather and springing into a healthy lifestyle. (Get it? haha, Daniel will be proud) I'd originally been so bold to say 1 month of juicing, but with a husband to feed and full-time work, I'd cut back to 2 weeks. The good news is, now, I think my husband will do it with me! I keep telling myself that this won't be like a crash diet that won't change my lifestyle, that healthy eating is a life style and I have to start now, but as you probably know, it's so much easier said than done.

For now, yam, yam, I'm rather enjoying my snacks.

TKD & The Holy Spirit

"Sssaem", "SunSengNim", "Mrs. Hannah?", "Missss", "Teach-urh", "Ms. Hannah Choi", are all names that I go by from 8-5 (usually longer on computer lab days or I-need-to-stay-after-school-and-work days). The other hours of the day I'm just "Hannah". My husband has adopted his new 5pm-8 am name "Honey", quite comfortably, but I still seem to be quite comfortable responding to just, "Hannah".

Yesterday was our first TaeKwonDo class! I must say that it was quite exciting to be in that "team" kind of mode. I felt as if I was in the 9th grade again, trying out for the JV team. Jeremiah has to disagree, and say yesterday was 20 times better than the 9th grade. Poor chum didn't have a splendid high school experience. It's hard to imagine that he was socially awkward and shy. We wouldn't have even been friends if we met in high school, he'd say.

I've always been attracted to martial arts, but never had an opportunity to really have a go. Our "sa-bum" or master has taught us so much in the first day; like, the "right posture" is not just sitting up straight as a board, but rather is the posture that is balancing for your body. So, balancing means to shift positions ever so often so your muscles are developed evenly. I'm looking forward to the next few years, becoming more flexible and learning how to defend myself. What I'm truly looking forward to is the sparring though! I shall write more about that when I learn more about it!

It's funny to think my students, who I adore and coddle can all kick my butt. (They're all advanced TaeKwonDo students and some even have second degree black belts!) I've got a favorite class, although I shouldn't. They're so bright and so full. I feel their youth brimming, through their writing, especially. Not everyone is a talker, but in their writing I see their fears and their dreams. It's amazing that I get to be a part of their lives, and speak into their souls.

I've made a habit of starting class with a prayer, and when I do I tend to say, "Alright class, before we start, let's invite the Holy Spirit". After 2 weeks of that, one of my students yesterday declared loudly "But, He's already here!". Haha, today I asked the class to join me in thanking the Holy Spirit, instead.

Hello, my name is Mrs. Hannah Cho Choi

Hello to the friends, the lover, the family, the mutual friends, and the stumble-upon-ers. I am 23 years old, living in South Korea, happily married-for 231 days and counting-, teaching 96 tenth graders English literature, singing songs of intimacy, glory, and praise, and loving it!

In documenting, expressing, showing, publishing, spilling whatever it is that will exude from heartbrain to keyboard, I wish to share the ups and downs, the light bulb and knee-skinning moments, the joys and the cries, for the sake of sharing.

I present to you, the daily life and heartbrain of Mrs. Hannah Cho Choi.