sunflowerstories

CRY

2010-10-26T12:24:00.001-07:00

I want to be part of Your nameless, faceless army who is desperate for Your Glory alone. Help me to relinquish my rights, die to my reputation and just follow after You.

AMEN

Another Rainy Day

2010-10-19T12:33:00.000-07:00

I am so loved.devol os ma I

To do, too doodoo, so just be

2010-09-01T07:35:00.000-07:00

PRAY

LOVE

EAT

KCN

KIT...with the world

SING

WRITE
WRITE
WRITE

THINK-less

SEE-SEE-SEE

shhhhh-LISTEN

Must buy a new calendar

prepare for the fall = new school year, so many birthdays, the beginning of my last year in college =/eeeeek, new crazy apt, work, KCN auditions, retreat, hello-goodbyes, oct 13, 4 more months to finish what i started, and a few hundred more things to do.

fffphew~~

2010-08-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

It has begun.
Can't stop thinking 'bout it.

pffftt

2010-08-16T19:26:00.000-07:00

Exfoliat- : stripped from leaves

Uncomfortable and annoying.
ultimate 짜증...
i know I'm being a baby, i admit and
i am ashamed.

it seems i never have my way.
hate that i think that.

[deep breath]
*Oh, yeah just remembered Jesus and the Cross

"Question: What you study?"
"Next question: what will you do after graduate?"
"Okay, last question....

do you have boyfriend?"

Do you see?

2010-08-10T22:30:00.001-07:00

Do you see my beloved?

Yes,
He's here in the garden.
He's always waiting there.
Let us run~

China knows

2010-08-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

"In today's world, a country's culture and economy are inseparable. A government must pay more attention to culture and originality if it wants to improve the quality of economic development."
-http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-10898582-

don't cloud in my sun

2010-08-06T13:42:00.000-07:00

dreaming is
big
adventurous
scary and delicious

music is
alive
wild
beautiful and dangerous

art is
yours
mine
outrageous and delightful

can i really have it all?

a genuine hehe

2010-08-01T13:52:00.000-07:00

Story of our lives

whoa there

2010-07-31T22:14:00.000-07:00

I am finally freeeeeeee from SS (school stress)
SS really, really affects me.
How in the world did I work 23 hours a week AND deal with SS?
rawr.
I'm sorry, didn't mean to.

I want to laugh in the face of my insecurities.
'HA! I say, you have nothin' on me.'
Who cares anyway?
God loves me duh. but I care so much. dangit.

I am more perceptive than I think.
Drama, drama, yomama, hey hey.
Girl and girl are drama
Girl and boy are trauma
Boy and boy are yomama
No, sir I am not blind. I see you.

Recently my heart is like this big, but I want to fit THAAAAAAAT many in it.
and even though it seems like it won't fit...when I put it in, one by one
it fits.
"oh boy"

Why the random?

Good question

Good answers come from Good questions.
God is good.

The Notebook

2010-07-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

In the quiet, deliciousness of a cool, Sunday morning,
I opened up my bible and read 1 Corinthians.
I re-read carefully Paul's exhortation for virgins, (that's me) to remain virgins because it was the "better" choice to make...
To wed, is not wrong, it is very "right", said Paul, but remaining a virgin would be...(gasp) BETTER than RIGHT.
phenomenal.

So, I meditated on that for a while, played some tunes on the keyboard, soaked in the afternoon sun....
and then decided to watch a movie.
I rummaged through my roommate's stack of dvds, and stumbled across a lovestory.
This lovestory I was told, was the best.
I was looked down upon for not having watched it or read it by my girlfriends, and even by some dudes...
so I decided to pop the dvd in, I mean how good could it possibly be?

Well, Mr. Sparks,
When it comes down to it,
I think I've already chosen the "right" way, rather than the "better".

Clive Staples Lewis

2010-07-11T13:06:00.001-07:00

The Last Battle

Usually I start with the first, but this summer, I have started with the last.

Confession: I have a crush on the unicorn.

Facts:
God is God
You cannot serve in the name of God, what is evil.
You are serving God, if you do good, whether you know it or not.
There is eternity, and it's better than perfect, forever and ever and ever and ever.

P.S.
I am not crazy.

mumbojumbo

2010-06-30T21:36:00.000-07:00

Don't know how to start really...
the year's been a blur, smudges here and there.
Salty tears and my watering mouth, have ruined the precious pages.
But, one thing is clear.

I need Jesus

yeah, I need Him in the mornings,
in the sleepy afternoons,
and in the wake of the chilly nights,
when I come alive.

I need Him in my conversations,
in family time,
I need Him in you.
Yes you,
you who show me love,
show me strength,
compassion,
my sister, my brother, my family, my friend,
you, who Know Jesus.
There's no point, without Him at the root, the cause, the beginning, and the end.

It's time to move forward.

I choose not to settle today.

Hi, I love my friends

2010-06-07T15:01:00.000-07:00

2010-03-15T20:16:00.000-07:00

killing me softly

2010-03-13T22:40:00.000-08:00

Opinions here, Opinions there,
voice of God where?
Desire here, Dreams there,
Truth somewhere
what will be
must be greater than what
could've been
or else,
i shall fade away

It doesn't have to be a blind battle

2010-03-11T00:11:00.000-08:00

An assignment in high school? not sure when/why

2010-02-25T00:05:00.002-08:00

When I'm an old woman I shall drink tea in a fine china cup

with butter waffles and light chocolate on the side.

And I shall spend my money going on Jule Vern's 80-day trip around the world.

But perhaps I shall take twice as long.

I shall knit my grandkids matching sweaters and take them all snowboarding

I will beat them all of course unless

I suddenly catch arthritis.

You can

But now

But maybe I ought to

Hands

2010-02-24T23:54:00.000-08:00

Hands

Small, gentle, firm, not too strong, yet not fragile
Every movement results in something beautiful
Each links together to paint a wave.
Sometimes smooth rolling on a legato
Sometimes crashing crescendo
Sometimes spraying white staccato
All the time moving in one motion,
In one rhythm,
In one melody,
For one purpose.
Small, yet able to stretch beyond what the eye perceives.
Stretching to reach the unreachable
One key to the next,
Crawling Up the treble
Down the base.
At times, the two will join in faith
Seeking in to the spiritual realm, for peace
Speaking to the King of Kings, Jehovah Shalom.
Other times, the right will work alone
With wood and graphite
With rubber and leather
With fork, knife, and spoon.
The other hardly works alone
Except only with steel worms biting deep into the flesh.
Pain flashes constantly and calluses fuse together
But these worms hypnotically forces to keep going.
One day, to receive the reward
Perhaps diamond, perhaps pearl
Seeking, yet not desperate
For timing is everything
And Jehovah Jireh, meets my every need.

27. January 2005
English class

What in the world was I thinking?

wander-ful

2010-02-16T23:51:00.000-08:00

I like many things. I enjoy here and there. I see things you might not see. Or maybe I just think you don't. You probably see many that I don't.

I want to be here, as much as I want to be there.
There's excitement and energy and drama and purpose when I dream. Logic says stop dreaming.
But I can't help it, I dream and I dream.
I make no sense.
I crave something extraordinary
All I know is,
I need to speak truth into the world

Life

2010-02-04T21:54:00.001-08:00

It's time to live.

Help!

2010-01-31T15:03:00.000-08:00

Oh Motivation,
where art thou?

A father's love

2009-12-28T12:49:00.000-08:00

They are practicing for her wedding.

The day when his little girl will leave the nest he has spent
his whole life creating, protecting, nourishing...

"but until that day, you are mine"
hahahaha

all giddy

2009-12-23T21:14:00.000-08:00

xmylilbestfriend-in-middle-schoolx: "Did yu knoe hannah liked yu?"

my-aznmiddle-school-crush-for-two-years: "did you know i liked her"
my-aznmiddle-school-crush-for-two-years: "whoops"
my-aznmiddle-school-crush-for-two-years: "that slipped"

xmylilbestfriend-in-middle-schoolx: "hahaha really"

my-aznmiddle-school-crush-for-two-years: "yeah"

xmylilbestfriend-in-middle-schoolx: "woah"
xmylilbestfriend-in-middle-schoolx: "kan i tell her"

my-aznmiddle-school-crush-for-two-years: "if you want"

She did tell me in the end... because I found this conversation printed out in a letter she wrote me while digging through my treasure chest today, 7 years later.

Loved Much

2009-12-23T14:14:00.000-08:00

At an early age, I was forced to learn how not to be attached to many things. Moving around so much as a child I was used to letting go of the familiar, and embracing the new, often forgetting the past because it hurt less to just forget. Clothes, toys, schools, teachers, friends, pets, I have let go, but one thing I couldn't let go of were letters.

In my room there is only a sofa-bed and a book shelf. The shelf is full of my favorite past time novels as a child. The double-doored closet is half-filled with clothes I only wear when I come home, and stacked in a neat corner are 3 boxes. One box is filled with photos, another is filled with more books; yearbooks, my old academic awards/papers/poems/journals, and the last one is a Christmas Cookie Tin box where I keep only the most important things to me... letters from people I love, or loved at one time and perhaps have forgotten.

As early as the 3rd grade, I have letters that my friends and family have written to me. They're in either the "Christmas", "Birthday", "Boy/girl drama", or "just cuz" categories. This morning, as I sat in my bedroom in Seattle with the sacred sun shining its unexpected ray across my face, looking through the letters of my life, I have realized once again, how much I am, and have been loved. Names, faces, moments, drifted gently through my mind as I relived the memories that were tender, sweet, painful, and wonderful.

Holding on to these letters -although stashed away in a closet, only to be taken out once or twice a year- makes me feel loved, important, treasured, so blessed, and guilty at the same time. I carry a huge burden of love, that I have no confidence to return in my own power. I have proof of this, in the many letters I had so carefully written and failed to ever send to the recipient for whatever reasons.

Once again, my limitation as a human being, incapable of perfect Love has reared it's unmistakable head into my realizations. It shed light into the fact that my need for Perfect Love is too great.

Fortunately,
Jesus Christ has filled my immeasurable need for Perfect Love.

the best gift

2009-12-19T17:02:00.000-08:00

FOR YOUR SENIOR YEAR, DO EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED. THEN CHOOSE THE THING YOU LOVE MOST, THAT IS ALL.

2009-12-08T22:39:00.000-08:00

I'd rather jump off a cliff and plunge into the unknown,

than let you win.

Freedom

2009-12-06T22:05:00.000-08:00

To worship you freely God is the greatest freedom and joy and peace and strength

When I close my eyes, I see more

2009-12-05T23:14:00.000-08:00

Unsure

2009-11-28T23:40:00.000-08:00

A medley of Thanks

2009-11-24T22:22:00.000-08:00

Thank you for befriending me. If you hadn't, at that exact moment, who knows if we'd ever be friends? I am constantly challenged by you, and you teach me so much, not only about spiritual stuff but about real things, like make-up, and fashion, and noonchee. Three years really is too short, but I'm not afraid. What we have is clearly, something not disrupted by oceans or borders. You have me for life, and beyond. One day, I will say wonderful things about you at your wedding. Trust.

I want to give you a great big hug every time I see you. I don't know why, there's a part of me that wants to mother you, and yet I want to be babied by you at the same time. I think I know you, but sometimes I really think I don't. And I think you do it on purpose, just for the sake of wanting to be mysterious. And I think that's hilarious. Thanks for letting me in, on that oh-so-mysterious life of yours. Thanks for protecting me, and loving me, and supporting me, and bringing out that weird smile I do, when you know I'm thinking of something, but I only say "idk"... just for the sake of wanting to be mysterious.

I am puzzled by you at times. A good puzzling. Stimulating in fact, and I shan't even begin to imagine UCLA without you. It would be, very lonesome in the world of my mind. I would be scraping by in the system of Christanity maybe. But instead I am here. Because of your gentle push. Sometimes, you don't even know you're pushing me, but you do. I think He makes it secret on purpose. Maybe it's more fun for Him.
My teacher, my friend, thank you for being.

If you were a man, and had all the characteristics of a man, I would've fallen in love with you. First off, you never fail to make me feel loved, supported, and interesting. Yes, you make me feel interesting because you are always so interested in what I have to say, what I am thinking, and the very just essence of who I am. You are funny, and charming. and caring, and you are real. That's my favorite part... You're so real in every aspect. You Love to the most of your ability. Your life is beautiful. You are beautiful. Your thoughts, and your passion for truth and THE REAL HIM is so beautiful. We will forsure go on a double date to the fountain. One day, one day.

To be continued...

Joy found me in blueberries

2009-11-24T00:02:00.001-08:00

I found joy in the sweet blue
berries
inside my medium-bowl-two-topping-special
from red mango.
Brown boots,
lilac heart,
green spoon,
white yogurt,
pastel past,
fuming future.
sweet.

My dream

2009-11-15T23:52:00.000-08:00

Mechanic Monday

2009-11-09T13:41:00.000-08:00

It feels strange when you look into a life, that could've been yours. Or are the fb pictures merely a selection of only the greatest memories placed all in one place to deceive the onlookers of a great, fulfilling, easy, and happy life? We all do selective picture taking and sharing, I suppose. I am here today, because of Grace, the Grace to chose to do so. I am me, not them, I am here, not there. But sometimes I can't truly get that into my thick, disillusioned skull.

Lately, I am experiencing nothing, but everything.

Later on Today

2009-11-04T21:04:00.000-08:00

Conviction? or simply a reminder? or something new? like a wave of love, I think, that tastes different?

The machine guns have stopped firing.
All I have,
is more than enough.

Today. Dang it.

2009-11-04T20:41:00.001-08:00

Today,
I had a sudden attack of the 'i-wish-i-had-a-boyfriend' missile.
It was more like a machinegun,
ramming my every thought during my environmental policy class.
Weird place, I know.
For some reason it's something I am ashamed to admit,
because it shows I am needy, like every other human being on this planet.
It shows my vulnerability,
and my unwilling confession
that I too am that girl, who wishes for that guy (whoever he may be) to love me.
Usually, I am not that girl,
but today,
today was one of those days.

I do, hope

2009-11-02T23:32:00.000-08:00

To hope, is to live. To live is to love. To love is to wait. To wait is to sacrifice.

2009-10-30T15:41:00.000-07:00

THE PRINCE

Are you happy?

BEAUTY

I shall have to get accustomed to you. Where will you take me?

THE PRINCE

To my kingdom, where you will be Queen. There you'll find your father, and your sisters will carry your train.

BEAUTY Is it far?

THE PRINCE

We'll fly through the air. (He picks her up in his arms.) You won't be afraid, will you?

BEAUTY

I don't mind being afraid ... with you.

To the Charlatan

2009-10-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

After typing out a few lines and relentlessly pinky-ing the delete, I have decided that my words will be few.

It's beautiful.

Quote of the week

2009-10-22T12:40:00.001-07:00

"I CAN'T WAIT FOR OUR FIRST FIGHT"

Full Stomach

2009-10-20T22:05:00.000-07:00

I don't particularly find myself pursuing happiness,
happiness just seems to find me.
Enjoying the ride with people I love
is enough
for the moment.
The future is the puzzle ahead,
The answers will come
one piece at a time.

Tower of Babel

2009-10-17T20:13:00.000-07:00

Is globalization history repeating itself?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/today/hi/today/newsid_8311000/8311069.stm

2009-10-13T21:24:00.000-07:00

"Abortion - back street or front street - is not the answer. Ensuring women have the means to end their pregnancies is not liberating them...What we need is to better understand our fertility - if there are just 24 fertile hours in a month, we need to work out a cheap, effective way for women to know when they can fall pregnant. That would be freedom, and that's what we should aim for." -Josephine Quintavalle

BBC news http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8305217.stm

한국말 공부

2009-10-11T23:22:00.000-07:00

사랑하는 사람들하고 밥을 먹으면 더 맛이있다.
사랑하는 사람들하고 웃으면 더 웃기고,
앞음을 나누면 들 아프다.
사랑은 희생 하고 행복 하는 길 인데...
사람들은 자주 세치기를 한다, 희생이 너무 힘드니까.
그 길도 사랑일까?

You think you know yourself, and sometimes you just don't

2009-10-11T01:04:00.000-07:00

The scariest thing about blogging is that other people read it. Other people you usually know, that probably could draw a picture of you in their heads and even the most NOT detail-oriented person could spit out three or four words that would describe you. A blog, I believe, has the ability to change that picture; enhance it, color it, taint it, distort it, or simply erase it completely. And yet, so many people write blogs - myself included- even at that great risk... Why?
I think some people write blogs or have blogs as a form of expression, an outlet, to be an individual. Some people might do it just to get famous. Some people do it to make money.
After a long time of being very honest to myself, I have come to the conclusion that
I write blogs because I want people to read it. Which means, that I manipulate the system to keep that picture all of you draw of me, as close as possible to the picture I have drawn of myself inside of your heads.

When I came to this realization of my real motive for blogging, I was pretty disappointed and disgusted at myself, because I have always grown up with a strength in not caring what anyone thought of me...my fashion, my aura, my talk, my walk, I was miss independent, and I didn't give a dime or two pennies even, what you thought. BUT
Blogging has reminded me, I am human. And I do care.

And it's very weird.

Not yet

2009-10-09T20:06:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I decided I should just trust in God to open doors.
Today, so many doors handed to me on a silver plate.
Tomorrow, I will have chosen the right one.

2009-10-03T21:31:00.001-07:00

I wonder what it would be like if I just boycott the system?

I'm learning one of the fundamental principles

2009-09-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

How did I know?
God really, really loves me

<3

2009-09-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

It was so simple.
I obviously was not crazy in love.
but now I'm falling
falling
falling in
again.

Mid-college crisis

2009-09-25T00:35:00.000-07:00

I look down and I see my toes
I look up and I see the sky
I look back and I see my past
I look forward and I can't see
yet my toes move forward
and the sky moves backwards
and my past gets smaller and smaller
when will I see?

I wanna be right

2009-09-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

I want to live life to the fullest before God and before man. But what dream within me is the canvas of destiny that God has foreseen and entrusted me with, and what dream is simply selfishness? When I blankly face the question of "what do you plan on doing after UCLA?" most people advise that I follow my passion and talent that God has exceptionally given me. It's too bad I don't feel that I know what it really means to be passionate for something... To be passionate for God is one thing, but to be passionate about something else? Something else that will direct the path of the rest of my life? Or is it enough to be passionate about God? It's like being passionate about College, but once you're in sooner or later you have to pick something specific to major in. But I guess God does not equate College, and still my inadequate logic of understanding keeps me from being at ease about my future. Is this where Faith comes in? and Trust? Although I know through all of my failures, God will redeem me and set before me only the best...is it too much that I want to get through life as close as possible to one try? Can my hunger for righteousness be the same as the desperate seeking of "not choosing something wrong"?

too much time

2009-08-26T18:43:00.001-07:00

If I could wish for ten things, anything in this entire world... these are my honest answers
i would want:

the ability to fly
to find a door into Narnia
to have a crime radar and the superpowers to defeat criminals and save people. Like a combination of superman, batman, and spiderman but better. and feminine. and very secret.
a boyfriend who will find a perfect way to propose and then become my perfect husband
a retail company called "o'hannah" hiring only old folks and homeless people and selling them all over the world expanding from the westcoast into Korea, Japan, and eventually China because the brand will get so popular and soon the world will have no more homeless and old neglected people. Working conditions will be so awesome because i won't be doing it for a profit.
to be able to speak all the languages of the world fluently and to make music with all those languages.
to be an actress in a korean drama and have the series be so good that the fans demand a sequel when it's over.
to somehow stop world hunger, paralyze all rapists the moment they are going to rape someone, and expose the conspiracy of the government of every country and have a team of ninjas dressed in white at my command to carry out any mission I have for them.
to be 5'10
Jesus to transform my heart to seek Him and Him alone because his love is greater than any pleasure of this world... that way everything on this list would taste like sour grapes because His kisses will be the best wine in the entire universe.

Comfort much

2009-08-07T21:27:00.001-07:00

Art is an expression. Failed art is still an expression.

2009-08-07T21:19:00.000-07:00

Who is it that warns whilst the ordinary see only the calm before?

Sick with Love

2009-07-04T16:41:00.000-07:00

The Lord has been revealing to me, how much fear I have inside of me. On the exterior,, I put on a pretty convincing skin of fearless, bold, hannahcho. In reality, there's so much fear, I ask the Lord to turn away, not in rebellion but in fear of the places He wants to take me.

Jesus I want to go past feeling Your love and being satisfied with that, I want to be a matured bride whom you can enjoy. Jesus give me the grace to endure for You, not for my ministry, or my name on the earth. I fear that you turn away from me. But, I know sometimes You do out of Love. True love. Though my beloved had turned and gone...

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
if you find my beloved,
that you tell him
I am sick with love

Again?

2009-06-21T02:01:00.000-07:00

Unfinished

2009-06-18T00:50:00.000-07:00


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; -Robert Frost

The sunrises to another sweet, crisp taste of summer morning here in Puyallup, WA. It's a still neighborhood, where the only ruckus is during the afternoon when the kids are out of school and play hide and seek outside. From my window, the luscious evergreens mock me with their serene presence...how long will this stillness last?

June rain

2009-06-05T12:25:00.000-07:00

Cloudy morning, gentle spring rain, cute blouse I haven't worn this year, skinny jeans, old-barn-red sweater hiding my shy, blouse and old-comfortable-black-and-white-nike shoes. Half walking, half dreaming, I stumbled through the skylark cafe and the fowler museum and saw twenty first graders walking by two by two, hand in hand. Each pair intentionally a little boy and little girl. Or maybe not intentionally? I wanted to ask, but refrained with a smile and a 'hello' under my breath.

Holding hands with a boy, taking a stroll through our romantic campus?! The thought alone made my heart pound faster and cheeks slightly flustered. What revelation or strength does that 1st grader have that I am lacking? Truly amazing.
Until then... it's just me and my umbrella.

Hannah prayed and said, "My heart exults in the Lord"

2009-05-25T01:03:00.000-07:00

To counter complaints about how boring and really 'unsharing' and vague and confusing and random my blog is: amidst my mid-term studying, procrastination, and endless threads of thoughts playing ever so consistently through my brain, I am attempting to make my blog a bit more enjoyable and understandable.

So "how am I doing"...? that's the question I've been trying to avoid this entire week. Everyone I ran into has asked me that this particular week, God loves me. To tell you the truth just up until this afternoon I really did not know how I was doing, except that it wasn't okay. I honestly thought I was bi-polar or depressed and it was starting to scare me. For some reason, telling my close friends and family that "i might be depressed" couldn't come off my lips. I think I was ashamed to even share that about myself. Talk about pride.

I think everything started after finding out about Rénee's death on Monday. My first reaction was shock, which quickly changed to grief, which shamefully deformed into guilt and shame and anger and everything negative you could think of, to the point where I was capable of chatter with you about the weather, or something funny I saw today on bruinwalk and then -turn around, go to my room and start weeping. It was like I had a doube-life out of some horror/action movie.

In my time with the Lord, I would begin to weep too. I was so frustrated and uneasy because I didn't know WHY. At first I thought my emotional roller coaster waterfalls were just from attacks of the enemy- 'Cause forsure he was attacking with many many lies. Jesus had to do some real delivering.- But, even in the presence of the Lord I would weep. I was so tired of crying! To put into writing EVERY thought that ran through my brain as to WHY, would be endless. But among those thoughts, one was that I had thought I failed in my role in the church. Last summer, God really put on my heart, intercession. My first quarter this year, I felt that I took up that role and familiarized myself in the secret place in the place of intercession. Second quarter, organic church, discipling, Wendy, Sabrina, bible studies, mission-minded, etc.. came and I began to lose that precious secert time. At the moment this thought began traveling across my mind my fasting, my nazarite vow, my LIFE PURPOSE seemed to be threatened...Good ole' Centripedal, Centrifugal Mario once again. I still don't know the conclusion about that train of thought, but it's something I'm definitely chewing on at the moment. Lemme know what popped into your mind as you read this. Or maybe some divine revelation would be nice too.

Well, in conclusion, today He spoke to me through a dear friend that the Lord wants to grieve with me and show me how he feels for Rénee. I feel affirmed. So, after coming back to my room I told God "I am ready for you to grieve with me now." ---I was so emotionally all ready with tissue and everything, and expected Niagara Falls but all I felt was peace... ??! wth right? Haha freakin', after He lets me know that He just wants me to see how He greives for Rénee and How much He loves her, He doesn't show me. So I sat there for a good half an hour. And I realized that this entire week, He HAS been showing me. But only in small episodes, because I probably couldn't handle the fullness of his grief, anger, and love.

God is good. and weird. and amazing. and so mysterious. I love it. Even though I get so confused sometimes.

"My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me continually,
'Where is your God?'
These thngs I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the
house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil
within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise
him
my salvation and my God..."
~Psalm 42: 3-5

(Special thanks to Janice, Nina, wtf, 'fambam', and Rendezvous for a fortune cookie that God is using to speak to me right now LOL!)

I think I failed. and that makes me a failure

2009-05-18T20:20:00.000-07:00

A girl in my Chinese class committed suicide two weeks ago. I found out yesterday. Her name was Renée. I met her last quarter. We exchanged numbers and said we'd eat. She was a third year transfer. I liked her. A lot. And thought she was my next "witness". We talked about next year, and how we might live close to each other. That was the beginning of the quarter. Two weeks ago, I was busy. I ditched class to go to six flags, I had bible studies with 'good soil', and I had other 'things' to do. I had a lot of fun. And now she's gone.
She's gone.

I've been fasting meat. And last night in my way of retaliation to God and the devil and the world and myself, I stared at the breaded chicken in Deneve and deliberately wanted to break my fast. Makes no sense at all I know. The breaded chicken wasn't even 'meat' enough to be worth breaking my ultimate fast i thought, I contemplated calling David to take me to an expensive Korean BBQ place. That would do it...
But she's still gone.

simple

2009-05-10T12:47:00.001-07:00

http://vimeo.com/3243519

2009-04-28T18:26:00.001-07:00

i am.
overwhelmed.

Rêveur le printemps

2009-04-26T02:10:00.000-07:00

Je voudrais aller de monde rêve. Je ne sais pas pourquoi. Parce que il est le printemps? Il fait beau? j'ai vingt ans? je n'ai pas un petit ami?... ils sont trés bons raisons. Je souvent pense est-ce qui mon petit ami... Il est un peu embarras, mais je voudrais honnête. Je pense il veux est un beau homme comique et grand et intélligent et trés sympa. Je suis trés comique n'est pas? Je suis une rêveur... mon imagination et trés grand et créative.

就是说，最近我会很容易想 ‘有男朋友的话会这么样’ ？我相信世上有个男人对我最适合。我可能已经碰到他，或着很快就会认识他。不过，我相信上帝现在准备他。我也一样现在在准备我自己。要是我跟他结婚以后，我很想带他去一个咪咪的地方。我高中三年纪的时候法线的地方。这是我给他的一种礼物。我想我自己很好笑！我还没有见到我的男朋友，可是我已经想到结婚以后要做什么。一定是春天的愿意我就想到这样。要是我跟谁恋爱，我们做什么事会很好玩儿。那是没问题。找人就是世上最重要的一种问题是吧？

it probably won't make sense

2009-04-10T15:31:00.000-07:00

What does it mean when I want to say everything, and nothing at all? Is this weakness when I want to let go of everything I know and in bare nudity run and embrace the standard of the status quo? Is the extraordinary too much to seek? The ideal reality is the best reality. If so, Reality is based on what I choose, and I choose the ideal reality for my reality, is that so unattainable? Am I just running headlong into a brick wall of reality? And not just one wall, wall after wall after wall.

Yes, this is the N in me painting big pictures and robbing you of full satisfaction by speaking in broad general terms. The only thing I can conclude is how I feel. And I feel like everytime I'm mustering all my energy, all my passion, all my strength to run headlong into that brick wall my energy is sucked dry and in mid-air of my passionate momentum my courage falters and I proceed to run instead to embrace that brick wall...and say to myself, "ok, ok, next time, next time" Everytime I fail to break through, the easier and easier it gets to just embrace it, "in love". But if it needs to be broken, how can it be in love? I will be imposing an act of NOT LOVE by continuing just to embrace it. But others will ask, DOES IT REALLY NEED TO BE BROKEN? And that is the question of my life. Does it? or do I just need to move on to a different route and leave it be? Everything in me has said before that it does, but now I'm not so sure.

In the meantime, the seeds are growing, and it's coming close to the end of winter. Hopeful spring is flirtatiously painting hopeful dreams for the thousand fold that is about to come.

I'm only one hannah

2009-03-11T17:42:00.000-07:00

God I'm only one person! I feel like there's a million things I have to do. A million things I WANT to do, and a million things I should do not because I want to but because I should. And then I can't do all those things, I can't meet all the people I should meet, and I can't love and pray for those that I want to and should, because I'm just me. Just one hannah. Just one. Not ten, not twenty, not a million. Can i just not do ANYTHING for one day? Am i allowed to? I feel guilty if I do, or if I even want to. And then there's the people in my life whom I do want to spend time with. But i feel like I can't because I should be doing something else, like studying, or hanging out with the lost, or praying by myself for the lost. It's such a weird feeling. I feel as if a part of me has died this quarter even though I see life all around me. Life is just brimming but a part of me has died. Are these what you call sacrifices? Is this what you call the flesh? Because I surely do not like it. I refuse to be an emotional wreck, but I think this is coming really close. It's so much that I can't even cry. I just... want to STOP time. STOP everything. STOP people, STOP thought STOP emotion STOP.
but that's only one part of me.
The other part is GO. GO studying GO bible study GO hang out with people GO prophesy GO pray for healing GO seek revival GO to all day training GO GO. And while I go, I'm okay, it's just THIS moment of pausing to look back at the trail I left behind... and realizing the things that have been left out. Are these sacrifices too? CAN THESE SACRIFICES be stopped? or is this the way it's supposed to be. Am i selfish to think these sacrifices are too much? that it's nothing compared to what Jesus did for me?

then why do i feel so crappy?

사랑

2009-03-06T19:48:00.000-08:00

"사람이 살다보면""... 호호... 이말은 아빠가 옛날서붙어 나에게 해주섰던말인데...긋때당시에는 늘근사람만 이말을쓸수있다 생각 하였다. 그런대, 요즘에는 이말이 내입에서 자주 나온듯하다. 내가 설마 벌써 늙은건않인가?
사람이 생각을할수있다는 건 참으로신기한것갔다. 생각은 잠시만으로도, 아주많은겄을 늤끼게할수있고, 말투, 테도, 등을 한순간에 밖글수있는 힘이있다. 생각은 적이 될수있고, 중대한 무기가 될수도있다. 이런 대단함을 창조하신 하나님은 얼마나 더 대단하실까? 나는 이세상 모든 비밀은 몰라, 알구십지도 않고. 그데신, 사랑은 알껏갔다. 이 세상에서 사랑을 몰르는 사람이 제일로 불쌍한것갔다. 사랑아, 재발 한사람도 빼먹지말고, 꼭 모든 사람한태 한번 네 달콤한 맛을 주어보아라. 사랑은 색갈이 많은것갔다. 색이 달을수있지만, 아름다움은 다 똑갔다. 여러분의 인셍도 색칠하기 바람니다!

Nostalgia Attack

2009-02-22T22:45:00.000-08:00

Nostalgia. It's one of those feelings where you're not sure if it's from God or not. At first it's a really good feeling, especially if you have a vivid memory and can easily slip into the realm of your mind. The laughs, warm-happy fuzzy feelings you get throughout your whole body triggers so many memories and so many emotions attached to those memories. Once the sequential timeline of your memory elapses to the moment of parting, saying good-bye, pain, etc..., the emotions jack-up a notch higher into the tier 'take caution' because you might shed a tear or two. Now you're probably convinced that this is an attack from the devil because suddenly you feel like crap. You hate your mind for bringing you thus far in your current condition, because you know the purpose for your life here at this moment at this place was God-sent and a great destiny awaits in you, YET these nagging, actually stabbing thoughts of the past punctures rude questions all over your mind asking stupid questions like "what if", and slowly whether you begin to notice it or not, your mind is deflated of all hope and optimism and perhaps this is what being 'emo' really means. As Deborah Kwon puts it, "don't we all want to punch Nostalgia in the stomach?" For me, I won't go so far, I just want to slip into the memories that Nostalgia brings up in my mind and make them come to life even if it's for a few seconds.

Nouvelle appartement!

2009-02-21T21:29:00.000-08:00

Je vais beaucoup étudier ce week-end. Je voudrais être rester à la maison mais j'ai beaucoup travailler. Je ne sais pas si je vais avoir le temps. J'ai l'examen de Français I sur lundi. Plus, demain mes amis avec moi vont explorer notre nouvelle appartement pour ensuite l'année. Un appartement prés de la fac est très cher. J'espère nous avons un bon appartement. "Pink Palace", il est un appartement nous aimons, mais la caution et le loyer est très cher. Mes colocataires avec moi aimez ce appartement.... ahh Maintenant j'ai commencer mon devoir plus étudier. L'ennui est moi!

Like a Child

2009-02-20T15:01:00.001-08:00

So, I've come to a conclusion that if the energy and time I spend on unproductive-facebook-wanderings/stalking was reduced to perhaps half at the minimum, I could potentially blog everyday. How sad, I know, but sometimes the realization of your own sadness is the only way for you to change your lifestyle, that, and the conviction from the Holy Spirit of course.

While looking for apartments yesterday, I realized that suddenly I didn't want to move out of the dorms. Not that I don't want to apartment with my lovely apartment mates, but the idea of moving out into an apartment carries along so many other responsibilities and feels like the gateway to all 'grown-up-ness".
From my freshmen year in high school to the middle of junior year I'd wanted to grow up so fast. My composure and the way I forced my mind to think was very 'old' and "mature" - according to people around me- and when I reached the end of my junior year I realized I really didn't have to grow up that fast and began to act like my age, a silly 16 year old who cared about nothing but catching the best waves at the oddest times of the day and hosting bbqs by the pool. The turning point of my realization that it's ok to be a child was also very sad. Like I said before, once the scales that have been blinding your own pathetic-ness has fallen, it is so much easier to change. Now that I'm 20, I feel the pressure of being an 'adult' creeping ever so slyly over me. I just want to be a child forever. But what is it really to be "like a child"? No responsibility? Honesty? No worries? No doubts? No trust issues? taking naps? haha <-- idk about that one.
Whatever the definition of "being like a child" entails for you, just be one anyway. I believe in maturity, but I also believe in being a mature child. Like a child, I come before God and say Father I don't know anything. I can't do anything. I just want to play and sit on your lap and laugh and cry. I'm completely vulnerable and there's nothing I can do to protect myself, I just need You. My lifeline is You. Feed me, take care of me, play with me. That's all I ask. And if you send me on errands I shall take them as missions and fulfill them to the best of my ability not that I can please you, but simply because you are my Father and I want to do what must be done. How cool that You the God of the universe wants to partner with me in the greatness of which you have planned.

赵润娜的新日记

2009-02-19T22:01:00.000-08:00

上星期二过了我的生日。朋友们真是爱我。榭榭大家。我永原忘不了你们。
我已经二十多岁了。时间太快过去，我想想看上个二十年去那儿呢？一寸光阴一寸金，寸金难买寸光阴。。。我希望这年，我的时间可能都给耶稣基督. 耶稣基督的爱只能让我给他我的完全的时间跟心。我希望用中问让人家知道世上最好的人。所以我就写下来这些日记。中国朋友们别笑我。请您帮我练习我的中文，榭榭！

sunflowerstories

CRY

Another Rainy Day

To do, too doodoo, so just be

pffftt

Do you see?

China knows

don't cloud in my sun

a genuine hehe

whoa there

The Notebook

Clive Staples Lewis

mumbojumbo

Hi, I love my friends

It doesn't have to be a blind battle

An assignment in high school? not sure when/why

Hands

wander-ful

Life

Help!

A father's love

all giddy

Loved Much

the best gift

Freedom

When I close my eyes, I see more

Unsure

A medley of Thanks

Joy found me in blueberries

My dream

Mechanic Monday

Later on Today

Today. Dang it.

I do, hope

To the Charlatan

Quote of the week

Full Stomach

Tower of Babel

한국말 공부

You think you know yourself, and sometimes you just don't

Not yet

I'm learning one of the fundamental principles

<3

Mid-college crisis

I wanna be right

too much time

Comfort much

Art is an expression. Failed art is still an expression.

Sick with Love

Again?

Unfinished

June rain

Hannah prayed and said, "My heart exults in the Lord"

I think I failed. and that makes me a failure

simple

Rêveur le printemps

it probably won't make sense

I'm only one hannah

사랑

Nostalgia Attack

Nouvelle appartement!

Like a Child

赵润娜 的新日记

赵润娜的新日记